ok, so the semester is coming to an end. this is the part when having so much on my plate starts to nip me in the bud. it is constant “regrouping”, prioritizing, deep breaths, sacrifices, and frustration. yesterday i snapped at someone. usually i am able to keep my cool around here (at least towards other) but yesterday someone said something jokingly at exactly the wrong moment and i did not handle it well.
i have a tendency to break down towards the end of the semester, getting so overwhelmed that every day it becomes a struggle not to quit. although i tell myself, grades don’t really matter, somehow they do. the fact is, it really isn’t hard to get good grades. it doesn’t take that much intelligence. it’s more of a combination of listening, doing what you’re told and discipline. maybe that’s why they are important to me because they are a reflection of how i am doing in those aspects of life.
i am very hard on myself. if i know i can do something if i put my mind to it and then i don’t, due to laziness or distractions, i get extremely mad and disappointed with myself. i spent a big portion of my life being sad and unproducitve. although i can’t get that time back, and i wouldn’t really want to because it has made me who i am, now i do feel a certain responsibility towards myself to not fall back into that and not waste a single moment anymore.
this has actually taken on the other extreme of not being able to slow down, which is probably why my brain is fried half the time, but i guess i need this experience too. some day i will get to the middle. i think i am getting closer.
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